CM Punk: Monster Slayer
by dashinginconverse
Summary: In a world where monsters and the like are as common as a cold, Punk is the one to call. Oh, hell, we're all screwed.
1. In Which Vampires Do Not Sparkle

_**Disclaimer: **__This is just for fun. No worries!_

_**Summary: In a world where monsters and the like are as common as a cold, Punk is the one to call. Oh, hell, we're all screwed. **_

_Um, okay. This is rather weird. And very much a crackfic. But I really loved writing this. More characters will be introduced later, and the chapters aren't going to be super long, so yeah. I'm…actually pretty excited about this! I would love to hear your opinions and everything on this. It's just for fun. Nothing serious at all. And the term "slayer" in the title is used rather loosely, just for general knowledge. Anyway, please enjoy!_

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><p><strong>CM Punk: Monster Slayer<br>001. In Which Vampires Do Not Sparkle**

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><p>"Yo!"<p>

CM Punk turned around in the direction of the voice. He ran a hand over his hair and looked at his partner in crime - or, justice, whatever - and said, "What is it now?"

Daniel Bryan - well, that was what he was calling himself these days, at least - was staring at the computer with a vague look of incomprehension on his face. He ran a hand over his scruffy beard and looked at Punk. "We have a problem."

Punk slumped his shoulders, groaned, and rolled his eyes as he moved over to where Daniel was sitting. He was leaning forward, his face in his hands as he stared and stared and _stared_ at the device in front of him.

"I didn't think being vegan made you inept at computers." Punk moved to Daniel's side and placed a hand on the back of the rolling chair he was sitting in. "You were just watching those damn cat videos on YouTube yesterday."

Daniel turned to look at him then, gave him a grunt of disapproval at his comment, and then pointed at the screen. "Look."

Punk's eyes skimmed over the title on the web article on the screen. A town in Florida had a picture of unnaturally pale, skinny people lounging on the beach, grinning and showing fangs. The headline read, _Vampires in the Sunlight! Neither Sparkling nor Reduced to Ash! What to Believe?_

"Wordy little bastards, aren't they?" Punk said as he scratched his ear, looking completely uninterested.

Daniel looked at Punk in an incredulous manner, "What?"

Punk pointed to the article on the screen, "That's thirteen words. They could have just put _Holy Shit _and posted the picture. People aren't morons - well, at least most of them aren't."

"I believe we have a more pressing matter here," Daniel replied, "than whether or not the journalist likes to be descriptive in their writing."

Punk cleared his throat and read from the article, "'The drop-dead gorgeous looks of the stunning undead have invaded our meager and unworthy beaches along the coast of the sunny, bright Sunshine State in which the weather is always nice.' That's an actual _sentence _in this, D-Bry! Being a bookworm, you should be offended!"

Daniel looked at Punk before rising from his seat and shutting his laptop. He picked up the computer and tucked it underneath his arm, "Looks like we're headed to Florida. Let's go pack."

Packing required a lot. Seeing as this was a random vampire problem that they hadn't actually gotten called in to investigate, they packed light for once. Punk skipped out on the holy water and the garlic. Neither worked, the older a vampire got. Crosses even lost their effect after centuries and centuries of being exposed to them. The only sure-fire way to scare a vampire straight out of his fangs was to carry stakes. And lots of them.

Of course, Punk wasn't the kind of guy to go ahead and randomly stake the bloodsucking undead. He'd have to follow protocol and ask them questions and whatnot. And, usually, the vampires would go on long, long, _long_ monologues about their Turning and how stupid humans were.

That was when Punk would bring out the stake. Or stakes. Whatever worked best.

Boarding a plan with said stakes was rather tricky, as Punk and Daniel had learned early in their partnership. After being padded down for "conspicuous devices" every single time they tried to get on a plane, they just decided to take their chances and drive everywhere.

"I'd rather waste money on gas than get fondled by the gigantic guy at the airport that smells like bad cabbage and calls me 'honey'," Punk had said.

So, after gathering their things - and after Daniel stuffed half of his personal library into his bag - they were off.

It was Punk's turn to drive, which he hated. He was slightly insulted that Daniel wasted precious sleeping time by reading…oh, what the hell _was _that? A book in _Russian_? Geez. Well, while on the way to the next case Punk would not have to drive, at least, and he would take that precious time to sleep. Or, rather, being the insomniac that he was, he would blare his rock music and annoy Daniel while he drove. Ah, what fun that was.

"How many languages do you know, anyway?"

"Lots."

"Want to play I Spy?"

"No."

Punk yawned and turned the radio on. Immediately, a too-friendly voice burst over the speakers, "Incoming news! Vampires on the beach in Florida. Yes, in _daylight_! I wonder, can the undead tan?"

Punk sighed and turned the radio off. Not two seconds after that action did his phone start to ring. "Can you get that?"

Daniel looked at him for a moment and then placed his fancy Russian book on his lap before taking Punk's phone out of the cup holder and lifting it to his ear, "Yo."

There was a moment of silence before Daniel mouthed, "The boss."

Punk rolled his eyes and passed an elderly driver that was going way too slow. It seemed the closer they got to Florida, the closer they got to people that obviously shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car - this was even more apparent as Punk saw that the woman he had passed was maneuvering her dentures into place. Ugh.

Daniel was saying something on the phone that Punk wasn't really listening to. He turned the volume of the radio up just as Daniel hung up.

"And what did he have to say now?" Punk took a left, "He does know that we act on our own, right? That people call in to _us_ and that he doesn't need to get us work."

Daniel shrugged, "Just wanted to tell us about the vampires in Florida. I think he just likes to act like he's doing something."

Punk snorted a laugh at that and continued driving, "Dumbass."

Daniel mumbled something in what sounded like Egyptian.

Seriously, screw that Dos Equis guy - and not because he promoted beer - but because Daniel Bryan was _the_ most interesting man in the world.

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><p><em><strong>End 001.<strong>_


	2. In Which They Head to South Beach

_**Disclaimer: **__Nothing is mine. This is just for fun._

_Okay, here's the next chapter! I'd love to hear what y'all think of it. Again, this fic is not a serious thing. Just something to have a little fun. Please enjoy!_

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><p><strong>CM Punk: Monster Slayer<br>002. In Which They Head to South Beach**

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><p>"Oh, Jeebus."<p>

The hotel in which Punk and Daniel were staying was one that was overrun with people. And not just any people, the creepy vampire followers that practically clung to the pasty skinned undead like they were made of pure gold. Or cocaine. The vampires certainly looked like they were on it.

"Have you come to see the vamps!" the girl at the front desk screamed rather than asked. Punk winced at the volume while Daniel looked at her like she was insane.

"Why, yes, we have!" Punk mocked her, grinning smugly at the look on her face. "Now give us our keys!"

"Okay!"

Daniel rolled his eyes as the keys were deposited in Punk's hand and they headed to their room.

"Ugh, third floor? Not even a beach view either."

"Just be glad it's not the first floor," Daniel said as he rolled his bag into the elevator, dodging some creepy vampire-stalkers as he did so. "Or the top."

Punk shrugged, "True."

"And do you really want to watch the vamps sunbathe?"

"_No_."

"How are they even doing that anyway? Shouldn't they be burning like nobody's business?"

"Yeah," Punk replied. The elevator doors opened and they stepped onto the third floor. "I have a theory about that."

"Hm?"

Punk slid the key card through the slot and then walked into the room, Daniel trailing behind him. "Oh, you'll see. It's pretty interesting, believe it or not."

Daniel shrugged and made his way into the room. Punk turned on the light and Daniel placed his bags near the bed closest to the door. Yawning, Punk moved to pull the curtains open.

"Shit!" he exclaimed, stepping back and staring at what had been presented to him.

Daniel looked up at the exclamation and let out an exclamation of shock before leaping over the bed in one bound.

_He's freakin' Superman,_ Punk thought absently, his attention all on the person in front of him, rapping on the window with a large hand.

"Hey, fella, let me in!"

Punk rolled his eyes, "Hotel windows don't open!"

"Who the hell is that?" Daniel said, his eyes wide. It was odd to see him that surprised.

The large guy at the door nodded and then dropped from the windowsill without any pretense whatsoever. The movement was as casual as just stepping from the bottom step of a set of stairs.

"Whoa! Holy shit!"

Punk laughed. "Seriously?"

There was a knock at the door that rattled it in its frame. "Fella!"

Again, Punk rolled his eyes and moved towards the door. He opened it and was faced with a large, pale, ginger-haired man with a very carefully styled beard. The man was almost cartoonish, but he gave a smile and asked in a thick Irish accent, "Can I come in?"

Punk shrugged and moved aside.

"Oh, c'mon, fella. You know you have to invite me in."

"I thought that was only for residences owned by a person."

"Apparently, it's the same with hotel rooms."

"Who knew."

"I didn't. Hurt like a bitch when I found out."

Punk laughed, "Sure, come in."

The man walked through the door and exhaled a slight breath when he made it inside the room. He adjusted a plaid cap he wore on his head and said, "Been a while, Punk." He looked in Daniel's direction, "Who's the little fella?"

"Daniel Bryan. He works with me now."

The Irishman nodded and held out a hand, "Nice to meet ya. I'm Sheamus."

Daniel took his hand and gave a terse smile. His skin was unnaturally cold. "You, too."

"I heard that my fella Punk was in Florida, so I thought I'd drop in and say hello."

"Cool, cool," Punk said before flopping on the bed. He looked at Daniel, "Do we have any Pepsi?"

"Well, we sure as shit didn't stop at the grocery store on the way here, so _no_."

"Ah, damn," Punk laid back on the bed and put his feet in the air, stretching them. He cocked his head in Sheamus' direction, "So, big guy, your visit is very convenient."

Sheamus cocked his head to the side, "Yeah?"

Punk pointed at his friend's hand, "Yeah. Just how many of the unsightly undead have you told about those rings?"

Sheamus looked down at his hand, which was adorned with a thick gold band with strange carvings etched into it. "What do ya mean?"

Punk rolled his eyes and sat upright, placing his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands, "You know what I mean. I hooked you up with that ring so you could walk freely in sunlight, and now it looks like every vamp in this area has one."

Daniel approached the two, looking interested before taking a seat on the bed next to Punk. Sheamus stood unearthly still, the only movement was his light breathing.

"You know how people are. They freak out. Think there's an uprising."

Sheamus sighed and twisted the ring in question, "I haven't helped anyone with it. You might want to ask the friend that put the spell on it."

"So that _wasn't _your vampire girlfriend I saw on the beach just a few hours ago?"

There was a painful, awkward silence in which Punk contemplated if he could truly stake his good friend.

"…she wouldn't stop nagging me, fella!" Sheamus finally exclaimed, looking desperate.

"And now what?"

"I'm not sure how word got out."

"You know as well as I do that Kelly loves to yap!"

Sheamus looked as if he had been punched in the gut. Which, even if he had, it wouldn't have hurt. Vampires sucked that way. No pun intended.

He ran a hand over his strange beard and said, "Sorry, fella. But I might have told her about it, but your witch friend is the one making them like me Uncle Fargus used to make meth."

"Your Uncle Fargus made meth?" Daniel asked, genuinely concerned.

"No," Punk whispered in Daniel's direction. "He tells stories. Just be glad it's not the one about the lucky green testicle."

"Hello," Sheamus said, pointing to one ear. "I can hear like me - "

"Meth dealing, green testicled Uncle Fargus?"

Sheamus visibly deflated, "No."

"…how did you get up here anyway?" Daniel asked. "I thought that you couldn't gain access to a hotel room that easy."

Punk glared at Sheamus, "Compulsion."

"…maybe."

Punk and Daniel slapped their foreheads simultaneously.

"Okay, because you used compulsion on some innocent hotel employee and you have spread knowledge about the rings, you are coming with us to interrogate Beth tomorrow."

Sheamus looked like he had been presented with a stake. He stumbled over his words before he said, "But…I…um…me Uncle Fargus…"

"You're still scared of her, aren't you?"

Sheamus said nothing, but the silence was deafening.

"Oh, _Jeebus_."

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><p><em><strong>End 002.<strong>_


	3. In Which There Is A Witch

_**Disclaimer: **__I own nothing!_

_Thanks for the reviews for the last two chapters! It's really awesome, knowing that at least some people are reading this. I hope that y'all enjoy this latest chapter. I know I enjoyed writing it! Thanks so much!_

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><p><strong>CM Punk: Monster Slayer<br>003. In Which There Is A Witch**

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><p>Punk rolled his shoulders as he turned on a heel down a dark and deserted alleyway. The whole thing screamed cliché, but that was what this world was. He adjusted his bag on his shoulder and moved liquidly along the corridor.<p>

"Where are we going, anyway?"

Punk had ignored Daniel's questions, as insistent as they were. When they were close to the location they were headed for, he turned around and said, "To see The Phoenix."

Daniel stopped for a moment, allowing Sheamus walk in front of him, "The Phoenix? What kind of voodoo shit is that?"

"It's exactly that," Sheamus drawled; for a vampire, he looked awfully nervous, which Punk had joyfully pointed out several times as an impish grin crossed his face.

Punk laughed at that, taking his trusty stake out of his pocket and rapping on the door with it. Sheamus winced. "Her name's Beth, but she's dramatic like that. She goes by The Phoenix on stage."

"There's a stage involved?"

"Like you wouldn't believe." Punk turned to Daniel, smirking, just as the door opened.

In the doorway stood a rather imposing, muscular blonde woman, dressed in a robe that strangely looked like an ongoing flame, orange in some places and red in others. She adjusted a gold headband amongst the waves of her hair and looked Punk up and down, "Long time no see."

He tilted his head to the side, wryness in his gaze as he ran his tongue along the inside of his lip, adjusting his lip ring. "Sup."

Sheamus rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything. Daniel looked from the pale Irishman to the tattooed man in slight awe. His eyes then landed on Beth once more, staying there.

Beth rolled her eyes at the man in front of her before looking at Sheamus, "Ah, you've brought your vampire friend," she said, "…and…who is this?"

"Daniel Bryan," Punk said, before the man in question could interrupt. "New partner."

"You usually work alone."

"Things change."

Beth looked at Daniel for a moment, a playful light to her eyes. "He's cute."

"Don't even think about it, Beth," Punk spoke up, his eyes flashing.

Beth sighed and moved over, letting the trio inside her humble abode. Punk whispered in Daniel's ear, "Don't drink anything here. That's how she got Colt."

"Got? …as in _killed_?"

Punk scoffed, "No, no. Got, as in _love potion_."

"I can hear you two, you know."

"I know, Bethie, dear."

Beth moved some gaudy bead curtains out of the way and showed them to a small room with a large table and several glasses set up for a group of four people. With a wave of her hand, a glass of something pink and nice-smelling came floating from a shelf and poured into each of the glasses. Sheamus' nose wrinkled automatically.

"Ah, right," Beth said dryly, "would you like me to go kill a human for you?"

Sheamus cringed, "We can feed without killing."

"The offer still stands."

"No, thanks."

"You sure?" she asked, looking at his hand for an instant. The golden ring on his hand flashed for a moment and Sheamus clutched at it as if it would slither off on its own accord.

"'m sure, fella."

At that, Beth turned and looked at him as if he were a particularly annoying piece of hair that wouldn't style correctly, "What have I told you about calling me fella, _fella_?"

"Um…_don't_?"

"Exactly," she said, and sat down with a graceful flourish at the head of the table. "And what can I do you for, Punk?"

"You're making those rings for every vampire in town," he replied, pointing at the golden band around Sheamus' finger. "Stop it."

Beth looked like she was about to tell Punk off, when Daniel broke the tension with a very appropriately-placed, "Are you a witch or some kind of gypsy voodoo person?"

She smiled at him, and the very look reminded him of a snake who was about to be satiated by a very plump rat. "Being a witch requires having knowledge of many things, such as the different kinds of magic."

"It also requires having awful bead curtains from the seventies and performing on a stage," Punk said, his arms crossed, the stake nestled between his index and middle finger. "Sellout."

At the mention of her stage show, Beth's eyes lightened considerably and she turned to Daniel, "Would you like to see a show?"

Daniel looked flustered - which was very unlike him, Punk noted - and started to stutter incoherently. Punk sighed and rapped Daniel on the back of the head with his stake, as if trying to right a malfunctioning robot, before turning back to Beth, "I thought we had a deal. No more seducing my friends."

"Aw, but your friends are just so _delightful_."

"No more seducing my friends."

Beth crossed her arms for a moment. Daniel was momentarily stunned by the set of guns this woman possessed. She pursed her lips and looked each of them in the eye. "What do you need me to do, again?"

"Stop making rings." Punk grasped Sheamus' hand and motioned with a flourish to the band on his finger. "And do something about all those morons parading about with them."

Beth started shaking her head before Punk even finished his sentence.

"What?" Punk asked, "What are you shaking your head for?"

"There's nothing I can do to get them back, sweetie," she said, a harsh edge to the endearment. "You know that."

Punk groaned, slumping his shoulders and rolling his eyes, "And that means…"

"Obviously," she began, smiling wickedly, "_you're_ going to have to get them back. By force."

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><p><em><strong>End 003.<strong>_


	4. In Which There Are Several Predicaments

_**Disclaimer: **__I don't own anything; just playing in the sandbox, fellas!_

_Thanks so much for your kind reviews for the last chapter. I really appreciate it. I hope that y'all like this latest chapter. This fic is just so much fun to write… Anyway, thanks for keeping up with this fic! Please enjoy!_

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><p><strong>CM Punk: Monster Slayer<br>004. In Which There Are Several Predicaments**

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><p>The bright Floridian sun shone down on the trio of…well, whatever the hell they were. A tattooed monster slayer, a multi-lingual badass, and a shockingly ginger vampire. They looked out at the people before them, trying to distinguish vampire from human. The only thing they could even manage to make out were that some of the beachgoers stayed out in the sun and never even got a tan - or burned, for that matter.<p>

As they figured out their course of action, Daniel groaned and jammed his head in the sand.

"Hell," Punk ran a hand over his hair, "I don't even know where in the name of all things pale and gross to begin."

"Hey!" Sheamus protested. "Fella, I resent that."

"Dude, from the photos I've seen, you were that pasty _before _you Turned," Punk said, clapping the Irishman on the shoulder.

"_Why _am I helping you two again?"

Punk brandished a stake.

Sheamus shuddered.

Daniel looked up from his collapsed position in the sand, "Don't you have some kind of…way you can draw them here? Like a…_call _or something?"

"What in the name of me Uncle Fargus' left testicle are you talking about?"

"Is that the green one?" Punk snidely commented.

"Don't make me put me boot up yer arse."

"A _call_," Daniel said, turning himself so that he was now sitting down and staring up at the two more than usual. "Like an animal call." He brushed the sand from his beard, cupped his hands around his mouth, and made the sounding of an elephant's trumpet.

Punk and Sheamus stared.

"Or maybe like this," Daniel said, cupping his hands again and producing a very moose-like sound. Completely oblivious to the looks he was receiving from Punk and Sheamus, he replicated the calls of a duck as well as a…beaver? They weren't so sure about that last one.

"Okay!" Punk exclaimed, waving his hands. "Let's stop it with the Steve Irwin shit - "

"That man was a national treasure," Sheamus said, nodding, with crossed arms.

"You're not Australian!"

"I meant…for the…ah…Aussie fellas. Duh."

Punk rolled his eyes and looked out at the beachgoers.

"Any plans forming?" Daniel stretched out his muscles and stared at his partner. "Because I don't have _anything_."

Other than the fact that distinguishing the people who didn't show any overt effects from being out in the sun, there was another way to separate the vampires from the humans. Groups of girls giggled gleefully around the males, while strong and buff guys catered to every female vamp's needs. Compulsion. Or their natural magnetism. Either way, it was rather revolting.

"Can't you sniff them out, too?" Punk turned to Sheamus, who looked at the stake in his hands and scratched his beard.

"Oh, yeah," he said, sheepishly. "You fellas were just on the right path so I thought I'd - "

"Stand there and be completely useless?" Punk replied sharply.

Sheamus gave a jovial grin and laughed, while Daniel said, "Punk, we don't have time for that…"

"Right, right," Punk said, waving a hand at Daniel and then staring at Sheamus. "You don't think you could…_lure _one out, right? Like your lovely girlfriend?"

"Uh…about that…"

"She dumped you once she got the ring, right?"

"…yeah…"

"Bitches," Daniel said, shaking his head. Punk had trouble keeping a straight face.

"Sheamus!" a soft, girlish voice cried out.

Punk rolled his eyes and turned at the sound of the voice. He looked and saw that the girl who had spoke looked rather young. She had wide brown eyes and long hair of the same color. She grinned, grasping the Irishman's wrist, as she said, "You've been gone a while!"

Sheamus looked downright flustered. "Er…hey, AJ. I - uh - had to take care of some things."

"Vampire or human?" Punk whispered in aside to his partner.

"I think we should investigate Sheamus for dating someone underage, either way."

AJ turned and focused her gaze on the two, her soft eyes suddenly cold, "Vampire, actually, and I'm one hundred and twelve years old, thank you very much."

"Subtract one hundred from that and then I _might _believe you." Punk twirled the stake in between his fingers. He then looked at Sheamus with a shit-eating grin, "She's older than you, big fella."

"Age is nothing but a number - " Sheamus crossed his arms in indignation.

" - says the pedophiles in prison," Daniel interjected.

AJ pursed her lips and wrinkled her nose. "Why are they here?"

"To take the rings," Sheamus whispered. "Apparently, this isn't good."

"It's freaking people out," Punk said. "Have you not watched the news?"

"Do I still get to have mine?" she asked. "Sheamus…"

Sheamus looked over at the two partners-in-crime. Justice. Whatever. "I think so."

"Eh," Punk rolled his shoulders, "what harm could a twelve-year-old do?"

In a flash, AJ had Punk on his back, her forearm across his throat, fangs out as snarls ripped from her throat. Punk smirked and pressed the stake upward so that it barely brushed the bone of her chest.

"Five centimeters, girly," he said, the grin never leaving his face. "Five centimeters and then your one hundred and twelve-year-old existence is reduced to ash. Hell, we're at the beach. Someone might just make a nice little sandcastle out of you."

AJ leapt back, still looking ruffled. "Stupid."

"You're the one who jumped the guy with the stake."

"You're the one who pissed off a vampire!"

"I piss _everyone _off."

Sheamus shook his head. For a moment it looked like he wasn't going to say anything, but then he cursed, "Ah, hell."

Punk and Daniel turned in the direction of Sheamus' gaze.

"Kelly," Punk said, identifying the blonde vampire for Daniel.

"Bitches," Daniel replied, shaking his head.

The vampire in question tromped along the beach, grinning brightly, her arms spread out as if to absorb the sun. She laughed and guys' heads turned. And they stared. And it was ridiculous. If vampires didn't scare the shit out of animals, they were certain that birds would be landing on her shoulders and singing an aria at her.

"Okay," Punk said, rolling up the sleeves of his jacket. "I have a plan."

"What's that?" Daniel asked, staring at him, not even thinking to ask why Punk wore his jacket to the beach.

Punk gave Daniel an all-knowing smile.

He then drew the tip of the stake across his exposed wrist so that blood bubbled from the long, ragged cut. AJ and Sheamus tensed right beside him.

Daniel watched in horror and he tried to launch himself forward to tackle the crazed, tattooed fool. He had been a counselor on the suicide hotline back in the day and if he knew anything it was that _suicide was not the answer_.

Punk deftly dodged him and started to sprint toward the throng of beachgoers, holding his bloody limb above him as if he were selling hot dogs at a Cubs game.

"Lunchtime, you bloodsucking freaks, lunchtime!"

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><p><em><strong>End 004.<strong>_


End file.
